Lalochezia

Lalochezia (noun): the psychological rewarding effect / emotional satisfaction gained from using abuses, swear words and profanity.

Warning: Excessive, uncensored profanity, both in English and Hindi.

***

I woke up wet.

Let me reframe. I woke up wet, sweating from head to toe. My T-shirt was so sweaty that it had stuck to my body, and my entire chest and abdominal topography could be visualised through the contours and folds of my T-shirt. My pillow cover was wet as well, and so was my bed sheet. 

I sat up straight, frustrated by my wetness. I looked up and realised the fan was not rotating. I looked at the switchboard. The fan switch was on. There was a power cut at my place, in this peak Delhi summer, and it had made me wake up at 5 in the morning with complete disgust. I was a wet, sticky, slimy, smelly, disgusting creature and I could do nothing about it BECAUSE THERE WAS A BLOODY POWER CUT.

I took a deep breath, and then screamed in the most agonising voice possible in my drowsy state- 

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK”

This was followed by seventeen more “fuck”s of varying intensities, as I desperately took off my clothes and went for a bath in the cold shower.


What is the difference between sex and waking up because your fan isn’t working?

In the latter, you are wet before you take your clothes off.

(Okay I swear this is the last sex joke in this article.)


What exactly is so beautiful about cuss words that makes it so satisfying when I scream them out loud?

Hurt your toe on a piece of furniture while walking? Scream “FUCK” as loud and as repeatedly as you can. The pain goes away.

Someone stepped on your foot? Let out a “BEHENCHOD” followed by two smaller “behenchod”s and everything will be back to normal.

Hit your elbow and got an electric shock in your body? Squeeze your eyes shut, make a frowning face, and shout “Iski maa ka...” to stop the agony.

Stepped on a piece of LEGO? Look at the piece with contempt and detest, and yell - “Fuck-Fuck-Fuck-Fuck-Fuck-Fuck-Fuck” - channelling all the world’s hatred towards that one poor piece of plastic.

Hate this really annoying guy in your class, but don’t want to make him feel bad? Think about him and mutter “CHUTIYA” under your breath to satisfy yourself.


Got a scolding from your boss? Found out your partner is cheating on you? Had a really bad day and things are going wrong in your life?

Go to the washroom, look at your face in the mirror, and shout “FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK” as much as you want to. Keep shouting while you cry. Keep shouting until your voice breaks and your vocal cords get handicapped. Keep saying the word while you blow your nose off and splash water on your face. Keep saying it while you wipe your face with a towel. Now repeat the entire process three more times. 

And all of a sudden, you start feeling better.

(Regular readers of my work will know that some of these are references to my previous posts, making this a crossover article. And they say Avengers: Endgame is the greatest crossover in history.)


Cursing is therapeutic. It lets loose all the hormones that are responsible for making you happy. It is a guilty pleasure. And on top of every swear word in every language ever, is this beautiful yet simple four-lettered monosyllable. I feel it is morally right for me to devote a few lines in this article to explaining why the word “fuck” is so beautiful.

1. It has the same number of letters as both “love” and “hate”


2. It is the most versatile word in the history of language. Every single emotion, every single feeling in the world can be represented by “fuck”. 

Someone spills their cup of tea on your pants. Say “What the fuck!”

Your friends ask you to join them on a road trip. Say “Fuck, yeah!”

You want to dump your toxic boyfriend’s sorry ass. Say “Fuck you.”

You forgot your home keys in the office. Say “Fuck me.”

You want to pretend like you don’t care, and you also want to sound reeeaaalllyyy mean when you do that. Say “I don’t give a fuck.”


3. It is so easy to pronounce. You don’t even have to twist your tongue at all. Even an innocent two-year-old baby can learn to say “Fuck” without much effort.

4. It comes in a variety of shapes and forms. If you’re bored of saying “Fuck” over and over, try saying “Fucking hell” or “Motherfucker” or “Fucking piece of shit” or “Dumb fuck” or “Sick fuck” or “Fuckface” or “Fuckity fuck”.

***

I’m not really a fan of calling profanities as “abusive words”. I for one use them more in my head than out loud. I don’t recall anyone being butthurt because I called them a “bitch”, a “cunt” or a “faggot”, because I never say these words to their face. 

If I call someone a “faggot” and they are not around to hear it, how can you call it abusive?

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?


I am a harmless creature. I behave as a respectful colleague when you sit beside me in class.

But in my head, there’s a possibility that I think of you as a nasty, manipulative, sick son of a bitch who is a huge asshole with a tiny dingdong.

(I don’t wanna ruin friendships here, so if you are a friend of mine, I hope you know me enough to understand that this doesn’t apply to you. So kindly refrain from killing me when you see me next.)


I use curse words mainly as whisper tingles to stimulate my limbic system into giving me bursts of pleasure and satisfaction when I need it the most.

That’s right. Cursing is like ASMR to me. 

Except that I don’t need someone to whisper “bitch. bitch. bitch.” or “chutiya. chutiya. chutiya.” in front of a microphone to get tingles inside me. I do that all by myself.

Does anyone listen to Gibi ASMR on YouTube? 
If I had an ASMR channel, it would be all about whispering swear words, and I would be my own target audience.

***

Why do I curse?

It’s quick.
It’s easy.
It’s free.

And most importantly, it lightens me up. 

So often in my life, mouthing off a profanity has done more to make me feel better than talking about my problems to a friend. There is something inexplicably calming about the chaos that a “fuck” or a “chutiya” brings with it. 

Maybe these words are so chaotic that any thought that comes along their way gets blown off. So when I mutter these words to myself, whatever thought that comes across their way in my head is blown away, and I feel lighter.


Think about it this way -

There have been four murders in a town, and the serial killer is on the run. The very next day, someone drops a nuclear bomb, killing the entire population.

Four murders or no murders - does it make a difference anymore?

No matter how many problems I have, whenever I wish to, I drop a "nuclear bomb" by saying "fuck" over and over again. The chaos of those four letters sweeps over every bit of thought process going on inside me, leaving me calm and satisfied.

Problems or no problems - does it make a difference anymore?