Excerpts from the Diary of the FBI Agent Who Watches Whatever I Do on the Internet Everyday

FOREWORD : It is a common belief in millennial culture that Internet privacy is a myth, and that our activities on the web are constantly monitored by FBI agents. This is an ode to the FBI agents who sit on their desks everyday, looking at all the stupid, nonsensical and downright filthy things we do on the Internet.

Excerpt 1 :

Today I checked my subject’s Google search history.

My subject is a nineteen year-old couch potato. He has spent the better part of his life sitting at one place. He follows 3,768 accounts on Instagram, and has 12 followers in return. His YouTube subscriptions are a tragedy, and his Google search history is, to say the least, embarrassing.

Ever known how it feels when your sanity gradually begins to leave your body? It’s not a particularly pleasant feeling. You start feeling uncomfortable, then you begin to cringe, and eventually you feel light-headed, as if your brain flushed itself down the commode.

Upon reading my subject’s Google search history, I felt my brain flushing itself down the commode. 

Here’s a list of all his recent searches. Read each one of them very, very carefully.

song that goes la la la li la la tu ru ru tu ru ru

weed legal India

titanic drawing rose naked

edward snowden cute pics

why no sedition charge against kashmiri pulaav

difference between pulaav and veg biryani

is cream cheese a cheese

is creampie a pie

tentacle hentai

46 + 37

46 + 37 + 4

shdbeuejakakqkaiskxheeh

beautiful syrian girls 

weird or wierd

receive or recieve

katy perry feet

beyonce feet

lady gaga feet

how to go to deep web

elon musk gay

banana causes cancer

chocolate fountain meaning

is james bond circumcised 

Excerpt 2 :

The subject is looking up pictures of Salma Hayek on Google Images. Salma Hayek’s a good actress, in my opinion. I liked her work in Wild Wild West and From Dusk Till Dawn. 

Wait. His next image search is “salma hayek hot pics”.

Oh come on, gimme a break, son! SHE IS A FIFTY FIVE-YEAR OLD HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN WITH A DAUGHTER OF YOUR AGE! Your father stands a far better chance of hooking up with her, and that too after he somehow goes to the US and convinces her that her husband’s cheating on her and in return she has revenge sex with him. 

His next image search goes “salma hayek sexy beach photos”

I think that is my cue to book a ticket to hell.

Excerpt 3 :

Is this a cake?

***

Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality? 

Have you ever thought that whatever you see may not be what it seems?

Have you ever wondered that everything is cake?

Have you ever tried cutting your slippers with a knife because you are trapped inside your own delusion that makes you think that all your belongings are cake?

I have. 

My subject has been watching YouTube videos where they make cakes that look exactly like real-life objects, and then they ask us if those objects are real or cake.

This has been going on since the past 3 days.

His YouTube history is so infected with “real or cake” videos that I have begun to question the existence of every single possession in my house. 

Is my wallet cake?

Is my laptop cake?

Is my car cake?

Is my wife cake?

Am I cake?

Excerpt 4 :

My subject opened a new tab in incognito mode. And he has brought a packet of tissues with him.

If I am to sit and keep watching what he’s about to watch, I better get a packet of tissues for myself as well.

Forgive me, God.

Excerpt 5 :

My subject finished season 5 of MasterChef Canada today.

He has been watching this show with utmost dedication and focus, sometimes even staying up till 2 am just to binge a couple of episodes.

And it’s not only MasterChef. He spends hours and hours watching videos of Food Insider, Tasty and So Yummy.

And after he’s done warming his seat with farts that smell of lethargy and idleness, he chants the names of Italian and French dishes as if they were verses from the Bhagvad Gita

Lasagna 

Risotto 

Ossobuco

Ravioli

Soufflé

Fettuccine Alfredo

Croquembouché

Boéuf bóurguignon

Hóuwvé shóuldé I évén prónóuncé this

He identifies himself as a food connoisseur.

And he hasn’t even made a bowl of Maggi in his entire life.

Excerpt 6 :

Do you know what is the absolute worst thing on the Internet today? 

ASMR. 

YouTube recommended my subject an ASMR video yesterday, and since then, he has been listening to white, blonde girls whispering weird voices in mics. I cannot understand what strange obsession he has with the sound that comes out of white, blonde girls rubbing their palms, brushing their hair and kissing their microphones. 

They call it “ASMR Voice Therapy.” I call it “This is the closest you’ll ever get to getting laid by a white girl, you fucking loner!”

Excerpt 7 :

An update on my subject’s Google search history for the past couple of days –

vice president of india

why all japanese look like chinese

why all koreans look like chinese

why all east indians look like chinese

are rhinos just fat unicorns

stupidest religion in the world

how to make girls talk to me

how to reply to girls when they talk to me

how to talk to girls after they block me

why is 11 not onety one

vacuum or vaccum 

mona lisa husband pics

signs if you are a psychopath

how dwarves pee in the urinal

jesus kissing judas gay

is modi good or bad now

do ginger people smell like gingers

how to recognise my future wife

i identify myself as spaghetti what to do

Excerpt 8 :

WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATIONS?!

Why is my subject randomly watching a video of a pet kitten photobombing a live stream?

And a video of a chihuahua dancing Flamenco?

And a video of a cat rolling her body in a puddle of tomato sauce spilled on the floor?

And a video of a mother dog breastfeeding five puppies, FIVE FAT-ASS PUPPIES, all at once?

And a video of two Labradors yapping their tongues on each others’ anuses?

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THE OBSESSION PEOPLE HAVE WITH CAT AND DOG VIDEOS???

Watching a cat bathe herself in tomato sauce is not cute. It’s gross.

Watching five puppies getting breastfed at the same time is not cute. It’s gross.

Watching two Labradors lick each others’ private parts IS. NOT. CUTE. IT IS GROSS !!!

You know what else is gross? When all those cute animals pee and poo anywhere they want, and perform rampant sexual intercourse everywhere without any sense of shame or dignity!

Excerpt 9 :

I filed a request today for changing my subject. 

It is getting out of hand. And now it isn’t limited only to dog and cats. He has now started watching monkeys and hedgehogs as well.

There is this video of someone tickling her pet hedgehog on the belly for three minutes, and my miserable-little-piece-of-shit subject watched that seven times on loop.

WHAT IS THERE TO BE SO HAPPY ABOUT WATCHING A HEDGEHOG GETTING TICKLED ON ITS BELLY?!

Who the hell even pets a hedgehog?! Can you even figure out where his face is, with all that hair covering its entire body? One hair in your nose and you’ll be sneezing from hedgehog allergy all your life!

UGGGGGHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!

Watching what my subject does on the Internet is taking a toll on me. I see more animals than human beings throughout my day. 

I have spent more hours with felines eating noodles than with my children eating noodles.

I have spent more hours with monkeys rolling in dirt than with my wife rolling in the bedroom.

And now, I’ve had enough. 

I need a new subject, because this one is beyond redemption.

Please change my subject. For God’s sake, PLEASE !!!

Except 10 :

My request for a change of subject has been accepted !!!

Never have I been more relieved than today. It was getting too much, and I’m sure this will be the breath of fresh air that I deserve. 

I am a happier man now. Time to get back to work with a smiling face!

My new subject is a twenty year-old girl. She goes on YouTube and the first video she opens is –

My cute little kitty cat had a gender reveal party and it was awwwwww-some !!!

I am filing a request for resignation today. I’m retiring.