That Guy Who Always Steps on the Cracks

 

DISCLAIMER: Everything written below is merely a projection of my thought process while witnessing certain mundane occurrences in my life, and in no way do I intend to convey that what I think is relatable to every reader, or point out to one person in particular.

 

I hate him. I hate his guts.

I hate him because I hold him responsible for everything that makes me unsatisfied during the day.

I hate him because he never walks as normal humans are supposed to- stepping on the tiles and not on the cracks between them.

The very reason why connoisseurs of contemporary arts, called floor-planners, came up with the ingenious idea of tiling the ground, was because the universe lacked balance. It lacked a certain sense of perfection and order. Centuries ago, a floor-planner struck upon the realisation that putting marble blocks of perfect shape on the ground and then gelling them together would be a huge step towards restoring the balance the world was lacking. Putting tiles on the floor, separated by horrid, vicious and distasteful horizontal and vertical lines meant that people would finally grow up and put their damn feet where they are supposed to – NOT on the godforsaken cracks between the tiles.

Turns out, he is one of those who has given up on all sense of order altogether. Every time we walk together on the corridor or in the courtyard, never even once does he look down while walking, which means it is up to me to watch how both of us step on the ground. And every time his dumb, stupid foot steps on the edge of a tile, I cringe in discomfort.

Just how difficult is it to take a moment and watch your bloody step, huh? Can’t you even realise how annoying it is the way you walk? Look at those beautiful tiles waiting patiently to savour the entire load of your complete shoe-print. In what world is it justified to put your shoe on two tiles at the same time?

They say the balance of the world is getting more disturbed day by day. And I know the exact reason why –

Global warming

Deforestation

Urbanisation

Donald Trump

Logan Paul

BTS

Thanos

That guy who always steps on the cracks

 

He is the most unsatisfying man on earth. And he is by far the worst person to have a walk with.

Not only that, some people like him even have the audacity to grow up and become floor-planners themselves! And when people with imbalance and disorder and chaos are in charge of tiling our floors, we end up with such tragic flooring with disturbingly small tiles –

 How am I even supposed to walk on these pieces of shit?! Just look how small those tiles are! And even if I try to align my feet to the shape of these tiles while walking, I am more likely to tear my ankle joint before covering even half the distance.

And then there are those who think more is better. Look at this giant monstrosity of tiling right here –

This one sucks so bad that two steps per tile is too less, and three steps per tile is too much to walk on the floor.

How am I supposed to walk here? Like this?

Seriously? 2 steps and a half per tile? Who do you think I am? A fucking knight in a fucking chess game? “One step, two steps, half step, boom! Checkmate to your satisfying life.”

I know what most of you must be thinking at this point – “What big of a deal is this? It’s just tiles on the floor! It seems your motivation for wasting so much time on writing about something so useless is not because of your hatred for that guy, but because you have an obsession with stepping perfectly on the floor!”

If that is the case, allow me to explain a few more attributes of the guy who always steps on the cracks.

Take a walk on the road. There aren’t any tiles anymore. Neither is there any flooring altogether. This is a level playing field now. The road is the one place where you can finally walk in peace, without worrying about that guy ruining your mood, because there are no tiles for you to get obsessed over with.

You come across a small pebble along your path. It’s near-spherical, it’s neither too small, nor too large. It’s just the right size, and it’s sitting calmly at the side of the road.

What is the first thing that would come to your mind?

EXACTLY! Kick the goddamn pebble!

Kick it as hard as you can and then watch with utter childish and innocent delight as it flies and rolls away from you.

You've done it. You've achieved the perfect kick and you should be proud of the feat you just achieved. If the world danced on your fingertips, you would be the greatest footballer on earth. Scratch that, you already are the greatest footballer on earth in your head, once you achieve the perfect pebble-kick.

No one can kick a stone on the road better than you just did. Until you come across the next stone.

 

This is what goes on in the mind of a normal person who believes in the balance of the universe.

But not the guy who always steps on the cracks.

He is someone who notices the pebble, just like you do. But rather than taking the opportunity to attempt the greatest pebble-kick on earth, he ignores the pebble.

HE IS THE GUY WHO IGNORES THE PEBBLE.

A pebble sitting alone on the road is one of the most attractive objects ever. AND HE IGNORES THE PEBBLE.

I hate him. I hate his guts.

 

Kicking a pebble on the road is probably the most satisfying thing in the world, but it faces stiff competition from the act of “stepping on a crunchy-looking leaf”.

Picture yourself walking once again, but instead of a stone, you find a flurry of dried leaves fallen on the ground. The basic instinct is to say “screw you” to whatever thoughts you are having in your head at the moment, and consciously go out of your way to stomp on a crunchy-looking leaf.

Kachhakkkkk

Ahhhhh, what a sound!

Let’s try this again.

Kichhukkkkkk

Damn this is so satisfying!

One last time.

Kachhikkkkk

No scientific research in the world has yet figured out what is more satisfying about stomping on a crunchy leaf – the sound or the feel. But everyone knows that dried, crunchy leaves lying on the ground is one of the best pleasures you can ever get.

Well, not everyone.

Because the guy who always steps on the cracks, NEVER STEPS ON A CRUNCHY LEAF.

I hate him. I hate his guts.

I’ve reached the end of my bitching session. This is the final list of attributes which define the most unsatisfying guy on earth – 

1. He always steps on the cracks between tiles.
2. He ignores a pebble sitting on the road instead of kicking it. 
3. He never stomps on a crunchy-looking leaf.

I’m done ranting about him. He is beyond repair.

I hate him. I hate his guts. He is the reason I live to forget.

Ps. Credits to my friend Pragya for reminding me to include the problem of those large tiles.

 

EPILOGUE

Just in case you are wondering what made me write this, it’s this image thread I came across recently during my Internet tour. I used to think avoiding the cracks while walking was something only I was obsessed about. As it turns out, I’m not alone.